Drowsy Oceanview

@drowsy-oceanview

Active 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Hello ladies, I just joined. I’m looking forward to learning, growing and healing thru this site. My husband of 23 years and I have been separated for 3 months. 3 years ago, he had his 2nd affair. He moved out for 6 months and returned after I convinced him to fight for us and for our 3 children. He agreed. But, after some marriage […] View
  • Drowsy Oceanview posted an update 2 years, 6 months ago

    Hello ladies, I just joined. I’m looking forward to learning, growing and healing thru this site.

    My husband of 23 years and I have been separated for 3 months. 3 years ago, he had his 2nd affair. He moved out for 6 months and returned after I convinced him to fight for us and for our 3 children. He agreed. But, after some marriage counseling and time, I realized that I only wanted reconciliation for our children. I still didn’t respect him or trust him. He decided he didn’t like our marriage counselor, so he quit. He changed his phone password and started looking for a home to move out. After I discovered it, things went downhill fast. After he moved out mid December, 16 days later I found out that he opened up two dating profiles (because he says he was “lonely.”) UG. Backing up a bit, he had his first affair (an emotional one, at least that’s what he says) 8 years after we were married. Both times I discovered the affairs via cell phone bills. After the first affair, we didn’t get counseling or any help. Instead, I took the blame and decided that I hadn’t been a good wife and needed to change. Well, that didn’t last long–after a year or so, I started to disconnect from him, not really realizing it. That affair totally changed our marriage and I had unresolved pain that caused me to put up a wall around my heart with him. I know this now, but didn’t then.

    He told me a month ago that “because I don’t trust him or respect him” he doesn’t think our marriage is going to work. He wants a divorce. Our children are 20, 17 and 11. The older two don’t want to have anything to do with him; the younger one sees him occasionally but doesn’t ask to see her dad. The one thing that consumes me, daily, hourly, is ALL THE LOSSES. There are so many! The loss of our family unit, the loss of growing old together, the loss of our future grandchildren coming over to see the both of us, the loss of our children having a safe place to be TOGETHER, the loss of mutual friends, the loss of security, the loss of what our future was going to be. It’s so hard to see family units together, smiling, all happy. It hurts to see elderly couples together, just walking together in a grocery store. My financial future is uncertain–I homeschooled our kids for 15 years and haven’t worked full-time since. We have no retirement.

    I go from being sad (he’s so cold to me now) to angry (for his stupid choices that have affected me and the kids). I’m trying to figure out my future. Do I go back to college? Do I try to go back to my previous career that I didn’t really enjoy? However, BUT GOD! All of these worries and fears…God is bigger. I know that but struggle daily. I do know that He will take care of me and my kids. I do. It’s just so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever went through.

    Thank you for reading. I look forward to connecting with you all. And I’m sorry that we are all going through this. God bless you all.

    • I’m so sorry Drowsy. I welcome you with an open heart but I’m so sad to hear another story of a family breaking up. I had all the same fears, anger and feeling of loss that you described. These cheating cowards are the lowest form of life for all the pain they cause their supposed loved ones.

      I was married for 35 years and he left me for his therapist. I thought I’d never come out of it whole, but I’m so much better. My girls are getting better too. The few sad days are for what I thought I had, which wasn’t reality and I know that now. You are right… God is bigger and He will get us through this. One day at a time.

      • Hi, Juno
        Two years of thinking he is still here. The memories of what we once had torture me. But I am trying. I am 67 and could retire but I still work. I see my girlfriends regularly and go to movies or for a bite to eat. I see my family. I just want the pain to go. To wake up and not think of him as soon as my eyes open.

        • I know Winnie. They were such a huge part of our lives and it takes so much work to get over them. I still miss mine even though I know he’s a rotten bastard. I think doing the plan, coming here and to the forum, and reading (I’m reading and trying to do “Divorced and shit at it”) are all things that help. It does get better, I can attest to that. I no longer think of him the first thing in the morning. I’m 65 and don’t cry nearly as often as I used to.

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. I am totally exhausted at this point. For three years, I was dealing with his 2nd affair, then “reconciliation” and now separation. THEN…the corona virus happens. I was already depleted. I’m just taking it a day at a time at this point, praying a lot and leaning on the Lord who is helping me so much. Thankfully my husband is not pushing me to prepare the divorce documents. I think he knows now is not the best time to move forward on that.

      One thing that I am really struggling with his role as a father. He is SOOOO disappointing as my kids’ dad! He has essentially withdrawn from all of us. He seldom reaches out to our kids. Mostly because 2/3 of them don’t want to talk with him or see him. The youngest one doesn’t ask to talk with him or see him. I have had to ask my husband to please reach out to our kids because they need both parents, not just me. But he’s not doing anything except paying the bills (yes, I’m thankful). He would rather spend time taking our dog to his apt on weekends than his own children. NOT kidding. I feel so so sad for my children–their dad is so selfish and consumed with his shame or anger or whatever it is that he is losing his relationships with them as well. It is heartbreaking. And it makes me mad!

      Anyone have tips or suggestions on how to get your husband/ex to reach out and lean in to his kids? Even when it’s hard? Thank you!

      • Welcome Drowsy, welcome with open arms. So sorry to read your story but know that this is a safe place where you can find support as you go through this dreadful journey of betrayal. We really understand what you are going through. Everything you are feeling is what we have all gone through or are going through. I’m 67, married 41 years, separated for 6 months, just sold my home and in the process of moving, compounded by COVID-19! I’m sad that my family and myself are going through this too.

        Please take care of yourself, get some support from family and friends and so glad to hear you are leaning on the Lord. Hang in there, we are all stronger than we think. God Bless you and your family.xoxo Blondie

        When my mind is so consumed with what my husband has done, I have to stop and swap…I repeat this over and over in my head “today is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice to be in it”. Just those few words have gotten me though lots of nights and days enabling me to continue one step at a time. Welcome and God Bless you and your family. xoxo Blondie