Minka Duke posted an update 2 years, 2 months ago
This my first post. The man that has been my best friend, my husband of 30 years, and father to my 2 children told me on Valentine’s Day that he was DONE. The only thing to do, in his words is divorce. No counseling, no attempt to fix things; he’s just DONE. He avoids conflict at all cost, so conversations have been few and far between. He says that there is no one else, he just doesn’t love me anymore. Honestly, he was never the affectionate type, and he’s always been a great father, and a good person, so I accepted the lack of affection as a small price to pay for the good life that we had built together. I convinced myself that his companionship was more important than feeling loved. We have not been a ‘couple’ in a very long time; like 10 years, and I’ve been depressed, stressed out at work, and have put on significant weight. I even took up smoking, out of the blue to try and get him to notice me, or ask me to quit, or anything; but he didn’t. I stopped sleeping in our shared bed because I wanted him to ask me to come back; but he didn’t. He told me before we got married that we could never get divorced, like because my parents divorced, that must mean I wouldn’t take the commitment seriously. I know that I tested his patience by doing all the things that I confessed to above, but I really thought meant that we would NEVER get divorced, and I certainly never expected him to be the one to go there immediately, without so much as a conversation before it was too late. The roller coaster of emotions has been hell and I can’t talk to anyone that I know about it. I don’t want to burden them. I’m usually the strong, independent career woman who has all the answers. I dread telling family and friends. It’s humiliating, and embarrassing. I think we get along better than most couples I know. His point of view is that we are cordial, and he wants us to remain so, but now that the kids are in college, he realizes that we’ve both changed and we don’t want the same things, and since the kids don’t need us as much anymore, there’s no reason to stay together. However, he can’t tell me what it is that he wants, he just knows that it isn’t with me.
Oh Minka, I feel your pain. Mine left the marital home just over 4 weeks ago (a week before valentuines) so all very new to me. Welcome, we will work with you and care for you. I have just received my pack and started working through it last night. It gave me strength to go through this pain. Please use your network, you will not burden them. You will need your friends and family close to help you through this journey. Mine left me and my 14 and 12 year old to apply for a job in the states (we’re UK). It all screams mid-life crises but hey here I am on the receiving end of it.
Keep posting on here, use your sisters on here to help you through. Sending a hug to you x
I’m so sorry you’re going through this after such a long marriage Minka. My wasband too said “I’m done”. No marriage counseling, no discussion, the end after 35 years. We too have two children, girls, who are taking it very hard. The difference is he left me for another woman, I was totally blind-sided. I thought we’d never get divorced and that our marriage was Ok.
I’ve had so much time to think about it (two years) and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is something missing from their souls that allows them to destroy their very own family’s. The pain for everyone but him is so great, but that doesn’t seem to faze them at all. They think of themselves only. Of course he wants a cordial relationship with you. “Please don’t make me feel embarrassed in front of the kids for dumping you! I don’t want them mad at me, so treat me nice!” Why should we be cordial? Why should I play Miss. Smileyface when he broke my heart, broke my kid’s hearts, cost me my home of 28 years, cost kids their home base, cost me my darling town with my wonderful friends, humiliated me, cost me money, cost me my future dreams – now I’m in a tiny condo, I had to get a job ( but glad I did ) He won’t speak with one daughter and the other daughter won’t bring herself to speak of him in my presence. The girls are mad at each other over this. They both loved him so much and put him on a pedestal. I think this hurts the most now.
But, what I want you to know is it does get much better! I think I would be EVEN better if I’d found MDR sooner. It had been a year for me and it still felt so fresh. This place is a Godsend. To have other women KNOWING what you’re going through is really a blessing. Married friends just can’t help in the same way. Only WE know what it’s like so we can tell you, yes, yes, yes Minka! I’ve felt that hideous pain and you KNOW it’s coming from a very sincere place. We bare our souls with trust here, because we’ve all been through it, it’s all so similar and telling your story heals you. It’s like a poison that you have to get out and you have to have people to go to that understand. That “get” it. I have cried so much for so many of the stories I’ve read here but even-though it is sad it’s also really hopeful. The women who come here and share, giving a huge gift to all of us, aren’t closing down. They still are here! Still active! Thinking! Being as strong as they can be. Trying with all their heart to overcome this monstrous pain. Trying so hard to help their MDR Sisters. They are angels getting their wings.
Well, yeah, I get carried away. My days are so much better and yours will be too Minka. Stick with us.
This is my first post too. I have a very similar story but I was told the first week after New Year’s that he too was “done” after 27 years of marriage. Our youngest had just graduated from college in June and moved across the country. After Thanksgiving and XMAS he felt family occasions would be less and less so there was no reason to stay. Nothing had to change with the family though, we would just no longer be married. Apparently I’m the problem as I’ll never change and he wouldn’t go to counseling because the two years we spent in counseling after an affair he had 15 years ago just made him feel bad about himself. My head knows I’ll be better off without him but my heart aches every moment. It helps to know that there are others going through the exact same thing. You are not alone.