Snickers Farm

@snickers-farm

Active 2 years, 4 months ago
My last MDR month. Guess this is my last month to post stuff. Life has changed on every front vs. a few years ago, mostly for the better. I hope life surprises me with joy one day. I keep trying new fronts to practice courage and engaging with others. It’s still hard to have a sense of my own identity after decades of being a wife, mother, […] View
  • Snickers Farm posted an update 3 years, 2 months ago

    Please send advice on handling a situation.
    My X remarried a person my four adult children do not care for. She is pleasant and has 3 adult children from her divorce. They married pretty fast and it meets my X needs for a mother figure to care for his needs. Whatever.
    The topic of this person came up when a son and his wife were visiting me over the July 4 holiday. We had a wonderful time, hiking, making smores over the firepit, going to movies and playing with my dog.
    The conversation turned to how uncomfortable the son is with the person his father now lives with. She calls him on the phone and insists on visiting, flying half way across the country, and thinks she is being helpful I guess. The X does not talk but it is not helpful to my children’s healing to force them to have a relationship with the person he now lives with.
    I have told him and another daughter it is up to them to set boundaries as adults and if needed be more direct in telling the person no calls and visits are not welcome or wanted. They would like to talk to their father but now there is the filter of the stranger he lives with once again telling him what to do and what is normal. It is very similar to his mother interfering in our marriage for over 30 years in secret without my knowing.
    I would really welcome ideas on how to deal with this. I’m leaning to just talking to my children individually and letting them know they are all adults and need to set boundaries they are comfortable with. They don’t have to visit with this person if they don’t want to and don’t owe anyone explanations as to why.
    But I have mental conversations about e-mailing the X to tell the person he decided to marry to let my children heal in peace and only communicate with them in first person as their father.
    It’s awkward for my children and yet another new nauseating situation they have to deal with as the result of the narcissistic X and his new overbearing, self righteous, pleasant, interfering person. I don’t know what lead to her divorce but they married very quickly and now living with more money than she has ever had. The son also is concerned that she will inherit money from his grandparents. Money is very important and dictating in my X family as in they have millions. The person the X married has never known that kind of wealth.
    Mostly it is so unhelpful to have her interjecting her presence in the lives of my children who are still recovering from their parents never being together again. I do not talk to the X period. I have only e-mailed him twice in past 3+ years to get address info.
    Trying not to freak out and maybe doing nothing is still best policy.

    • The Beatles song “Let it Be” comes to mind. If you say anything, they’ll accuse YOU of meddling or being jealous. Your adult children need to set their own boundaries, just as you said.

      That’s just my two cents.

    • On a separate note, it sounds like you are in a really good place: indifferent to your ex, minimal communication with him, and enjoying healthy relationships with your adult children. Bravo to you, Snickers! There is hope for us all!

      • Thanks so much. I know I spent 35 years trying to get X to communicate in healthy way and that’s a book I closed long ago. And it also seems he married his mother. My kids are smart and I know capable of dealing with this situation in whatever way they decide to.
        I have good relationships with two of my kids, minor communication with one and no communication with the fourth by his choice.
        Let It Be and let it go are both good mantras right now. Saw the movie Yesterday over the weekend. The X is and has been a stranger for many years, stranger than most. And life is generally peaceful with ocassional triggers such as this. That’s life. And we had a wonderful time while they were here. I don’t have many friends and MDR only source of similar experience people that I’m comfortable talking to about things like this.
        Thanks again.

        • I know what you mean about MDR being a source of women with a similar experience and being comfortable sharing thoughts with. It’s the same with me. I have no divorced friends so the friends I do have, have no idea what divorce is really all about.

          I can see how annoying the X’s spouse is. Another woman in MDR has one of these types in her life and it really presents problems. I would trust in how you brought up your kids as to how they handle this. I’m sure they have great manners and are very polite which can make “disowning” this woman difficult, but it sounds necessary. Unless she has no social skills at all, she should feel the frostiness from the kids and take this as the big hint to bow-out. She may need several hints.

          How wonderful to feel “meh” towards your ex. I can’t wait for that feeling!

    • Snickers, I need more information before giving you any advice.
      When new spouse visits your kids, does x go too?
      Why exactly are you on the verge of freaking out?
      The child who is afraid of new spouse inheriting money, has he consulted a lawyer to try to protect his interests?
      How would x respond if you did say what you want to?
      Stay well.